Hot Dog Size Please

Dear Diary, I'm wondering if I need to have more requirements for my house pet. Hmmm he needs to be clean, needs to be neat and needs to be .... a good kisser. Where's my kiss is what I want to know cuz I haven't been kissed by a real man in my whole life? Of course I'm still waiting for the rest of the package too. The one with the hot dog size ... lol